Nowadays, I often talk about living in the moment and loving what you have when you have it.

But for me? In all honestly? I can’t possibly live in the moment. Not ever.

Who I am as a person means

Every time I have a romantic notion, a thrilling adventure or such…

Well, what ends up happening is that I think of the future.

I think “now this is one of the moments that I’ll remember when I’m old”.

But it ends there.

I don’t know what I’m like when I’m old.

Am I widowed with 6 grown up kids finally granting me grandkids?

Am I married, with no children? We chose to live our lives centered around each other and then it was too late?

Am I married with no children because I couldn’t find my “soulmate” until I was 47 and barren?

Am I single?

Am I?

Am I living in my grandmother’s old house, because she left it to me, mortgage free, because she knew all the beautiful memories I’d had in that house as a child? Better total amount of memories in this house than my actual childhood home, right? Do I live there, going to church three times a week and being that lovable old grandma who brings candy for the kids and talks about when she was their age, or how she knew their grandparents, or great-grandparents, or even older?

I often cry a little harder at the last prospect.

I wouldn’t mind being that if I’d lost a husband and already had my kids and grandkids already. If I’d already lived the love I always dreamed I would have.

But in reality that option is purely, purely single. No love. Just flickers in my existence, made for me to look back and think upon, recalling my first love, or my second, or whatever.

I try to change how I am. I truly try to honestly and purely live in the moment.

But I just can’t. I will always think “oh yes. This is one of those times I’ll remember when I’m old.”

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