Blurb

When I sit in front of a computer to write a blog, suddenly I have no idea what to say. Whether it’s my laptop or my computer at work, it’s like the presence of a keyboard and monitor makes me completely unable to form a coherent thought! Why is it so much easier for me to write out meaningful posts with my thumbs on my phone?

Who knows, honestly.

It’s especially irritating because I love typing on a keyboard, and I want to improve my typing skills so I can improve at work. When the technicians call out from a job, they tell us what they did at a job–and sometimes there is so much information that I have to ask them to slow down! Like, especially the plumbers–they use all these words that I don’t recognize and I have to ask them to spell things all the time. I must annoy them so much LOL.

Anyway. I’ve had all day to think of something–anything to write. And I honestly can’t think of much.

What’s going on in my life…

Well, I have a great job. It’s stressful, sometimes. And there’s some things that are more difficult than I expected them to be. Like the on call phone, for instance. The office girls take home a cell phone each week by rotation–and the text tone does not wake me up. We get an extra $200 bonus the week we’re on call, but if we’re not doing our job when we have the phone, then what’s the point of being on call? I adjusted the text tone so that it’s more of a ringtone now, so hopefully that solves the issue.

My relationship is also stressful. He lives in Europe–a five hour time difference–and we both work so that it can be difficult to talk, let alone be able to video call. Hell, we haven’t even met yet! I’m trying to get him to come out for my birthday in December, but he may not be able to afford it. And it’s wayyyyyy more expensive for me to go out to him.

Friends are neither here nor there… karaoke night is still amazing every week, and I continue to meet new people all the time. Matt and Mark are still awesome, and I continue to try new songs to sing.

I did have a few “friends” decide that I was actually a bitch after all this time. They gave me various bullshit reasons why I was a horrible person, but honestly I’m not worried about their opinions.

I am an extremely forgiving and generous person–sometimes even to my own detriment. So to lose me as a friend is your loss, not mine.

Regardless. Life has been pretty good lately.

Who am I to complain about anything?

Thanks for reading!

MommaKate❤️

How Can I Make You Smile?

What’s the best job you’ve ever had?

Like, looking back at your life, which of your past jobs (including the one you’re at now) makes you smile and say “man, I miss that job!”

…even if it’s just a small part of the job.

For me, people might think it’s Dunkin Donuts. I sure talk about that one a lot.

That was my first job. I started in June of 2013, and I was absolutely terrified. I have extreme social anxiety, and at the time I was unmedicated—undiagnosed, in fact. Being also very personable and outgoing, I persevered through and became quite excellent at my job. By the time I finally quit in April of 2018, the manager Rose and I were like family, and I had seen over 50 coworkers come and go. That job taught me how much I loved working with people, and also how much I loved being a part of a team-based work environment.

I can’t tell you there’s a job I’ve held that I hated. They’ve all had their ups and their downs.

Babysitting, nannying, and tutoring were all stressful and rewarding in the same ways. Kids are one of my greatest joys, and that will probably never change. I love teaching people things, at any age, despite attitude problems or language barriers. I will always be willing to babysit on the side, as long as it doesn’t interfere with my current career. I know how tough it is to be a parent. Sometimes you just need a little break!

I worked in retail for a VERY brief time. Not quite three months, I wanna say. I had just been unemployed for the first time in my life, and I needed a paycheck. The pay sucked—with the promise of commission, which also sucked. On top of that, the girl who trained me was not only terrible at her job, but was not very good at training me, so I had to take things into my own hands a lot. There was a lot of fumbling for me—thank god I’m an actress🙌🏻 Even worse, this absolute horror of a coworker was rude to coworkers AND customers! Since she, myself, and our one other coworker were not employed by the store that we were located inside, but instead by a remote company that didn’t have a manager onsite, the in-store manager couldn’t actually reprimand this bitch properly. They had spoken to her numerous times, and yet she never checked her attitude.

I finally quit—and let me tell you, thank god I decided to do that! I am not a person who quits a job easily. Before this retail nightmare, the shortest job I’d held was 6 months (with one exception, a Dunkin job I had while in college that I was basically forced to quit because the manager kept scheduling me on days I had class and called me while I was asleep/in class to yell at me for not being at work even though I’d explained numerous times what my class schedule was and which days I couldn’t work). I lasted at this job not quite 3 months before I had the last straw and just quit. It was only part time, anyways, and I was also tutoring an elementary school kid at the time for $50 an hour.

On a day that I had been schedule to work, but I had informed my manager that I would not be there since I had already given my two weeks notice and that day fell after the date, I got like 6 phone calls from my old manager and my new one asking where I was. I finally picked up the phone to politely, yet insistently inform the manager that I was at my other job, that I no longer was employed by them, and that I did not appreciate receiving numerous phone calls when I had already sent so many emails explicitly detailing my last day of work.

He was decently apologetic, I suppose.

But then… one of the workers from the store itself snapchatted me a few days later to let me know that the other two girls who worked for my old company had gotten into a FIGHT FIGHT. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE. AND HAD GOTTEN ARRESTED. ON THE DAY THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN THERE.

Thank Satan I quit.

Aaaaaaaand that’s all to say that while all those jobs have had their special somethings, none of them ever came close to this one job I held in college.

I worked for a Christian school material distributor, in the office. I was on the phones—I helped customers make orders; assisted them with their accounts; and then when I was moved to the Customer Service department, I helped with complaints and issues. (I hated being in that department because I’m bad with computers and I didn’t have enough time to train so I was confused all the time)

I learned during that job that working in a customer service-based job was going to be my specialty, and I also realized that I loved the atmosphere of an office.

My current job? I am a Client Care Representative at an HVAC (Heating and Air Conditioning), Electrical, and Plumbing company. I’m one of the people in the office who takes calls from customers looking for service—whether it’s a broken AC, or a leaky faucet—or from a tech calling out of a job—they tell us how much money they collected, what they did at the job, and we enter it in the system.

From the very first time I entered the building, I was struck by the atmosphere of friendliness that the shop gives off. We answer the phone with “It’s a great day at Service Stars, my name is Katie, how can I make you smile?” And that alone often makes people smile🤣

My initial interview was a bit unconventional, but I loved my now Office Manager from the get-go. She is warm, friendly, and just so open and honest with you that you feel like suddenly telling her your whole life story. She’s a badass, but can’t stand bugs. She loves babies, but has zero patience for adult men that she has a strong relationship with.

In conclusion, she’s me in 15 years.

This post turned out way longer than I thought it was going to. The intention was to brag on my company, LOL. But of course it just ended up being me talking about myself…hehehe.

Uh, oops?

Anywhore, thanks for reading, y’all. I always appreciate the love.

Stay safe this weekend, everyone. And happy Independence!

All my love,

MommaKate❤️

Distance

Today my depression definitely hit harder.

One of my recent triggers is seeing happy couples posting pictures together.

I’m not mad about it. Im so happy for my friends that are getting married, having kids, or even just the ones in good relationships.

But it’s really hard to see other people happy with their significant other when I can’t even see mine in person.

Distance is really hard. No one is ever going to tell you that it’s not.

And some days are going to be so amazing that you just won’t care where they are…you’re just so glad they’re yours🥰

But other days.. when you just want a hug from them? When you just want to sigh heavily in his arms and feel his heart beat against your ear…those days are going to be really hard.

You’re not going to know what to do.

What to say.

How to stop crying.

And you know, in the back of your mind, that when you get to see your person—all the past stress and hardship is going to melt away.

But every day without them by your side is going to feel like part of you is missing.

It’s going to feel like your heart is breaking all the time.

You can mask the pain, or hide it for a while. But it’s going to come back.

It’s okay to have thoughts like “can I do this?” Or “am I going to be able to pull through?” Because those are thoughts that prove to you how hard this is.

It’s never going to be easy—love isn’t easy.

Even when you’re finally in their arms, you’re not going to be there forever.

But when those thoughts come through—the ones that make you wonder if you’re going to be able to make it to the other end of this valley—hold onto them. Treasure them. Down to the most disgusting and vile imaginations.

Because when you do get to the end..when you’re finally in their arms.. then you finally get to completely banish those thoughts. You get to say “I did it. I was strong enough.”

You won’t know until you try.

And the person on the other side isn’t floating through life without a care. They’re struggling, too. They want you, too.

And if they’re going to wait for you, you better be worth it. Because they certainly are.

And they don’t deserve someone who can’t keep it in their pants through a little distance.

So grab a box of tissues. Let the thoughts flow in.

It’s going to be a rough 2021, my friends.

But he’s worth every single tear I cry.

And if I can’t pull myself together and stay true to him through distance while I feel this deeply for him, then I’m not fit for any relationship.

If I mean it when I say “I love you” then I sure as hell better prove that—not just to him, but to myself. Because I know me better than anyone else, and I know even the most degraded of thoughts that cross my mind.

If I’m running around pretending I’m completely single when I’m totally mad for someone, then I’m not mad for them. I’m lying to them or I’m lying to myself.

Actions speak louder than words.

Always.

Don’t let your present sorrow get in the way of your future happiness.

I love you, Ben.

Longing

Have you ever wanted someone so much that it makes your body ache?

I’m not talking about lust… I’m talking about having such a deep and profound connection with another person that you can’t stop thinking about what it will be like when you can finally touch their hand. When you can run your fingertips across their face, and feel their skin on yours.

When you can finally, FINALLY hold their hand or hug them.. after months of longing.

To have this kind of connection with someone is not only hard to find, but hard to keep.

Especially because this kind of longing happens when it’s a long distance situation.

Every day, I wake up and I long for someone I haven’t met.

I want to know what he feels like, what he smells like. What the texture of his hair is. How his voice sounds when it’s not over a phone.

I want to feel his hands on me.. feel the warmth of his body enveloping me. Feel his breath on my face, and finally feel his lips on mine.

My imagination is great, I’ll admit. But imagination cannot compare to the real thing.

And I know that meeting him is going to far surpass meeting anyone else on this planet.

And I can’t wait for that day to come💕

Thank you, as always, for reading.

MommaKate❤️

Soulmates

Do you believe in soulmates?

Because I do.

Strange that I do, honestly. Considering that I’ve never dated anyone or really had a nice relationship with any guys that could ever lead anywhere.

If you’ve ever clicked with a person—whether a friend or a romantic interest, then you know what I mean when I say “soulmate”.

I don’t mean that this person is the one for you in every way and being with them is going to be heaven and nothing will ever go wrong and you will never fight.

I mean that they compliment you. Your flaws are their strengths, and vice versa. When you’re high, they’re low. When you get down, they’re right there to pick your spirits back up.

With a friend, it’s easy company, easy conversation, and easy friendship in general. It’s just… easy.

Not to say that it won’t be the same with the romantic soulmate. It will begin as the friendship does: flowing conversation, easy companionship. Whether the romantic “spark” is there from the beginning or not, it doesn’t matter. You’re comfortable together—in person or over the Internet. You could have absolutely nothing in common. They could be the opposite of your ideal.

But one day you’ll just…realize that they are the best person for the job of loving you, and you’re not going to find anyone else like them.

And maybe it won’t last. Maybe you fall in love and they leave you. Maybe you don’t get the closure you deserve. Maybe you’re just left missing them.

There are so many things that can ruin a relationship with a soulmate: distance, ego, age, religion, past relationships, even death.

But for all these obstacles, it’s up to individual decisions (with the exception of dying) to keep the relationship going. Preferences are just that—and they can be a major disturbance in any kind of relationship.

Why can’t people just look at the person’s soul instead of their appearance or height or age or race or religion?

Because we’ve been literally trained to do so our whole life.

A soulmate connection is about the soul! It’s in the fucking name! Don’t let these friendships or relationships pass you by.

Because maybe…maybe…

Maybe.

Maybe you’ll find your forever.

Thanks for reading, my lovelies. Until next time.

MommaKate❤️

Them’s High Thoughts

The idea of a Being that has been there forever and never had a beginning and will never have an end is so crazy to think.

But then think about your own life. You are the leading lady or man of your own movie.

The camera is always focused on you. The camera always follows the long nights, the pain, the failures; because it’s always with you. When people are not in your view or your peripheral, they literally cease to exist. Occasionally the plot gives you audio that shows you that the people around you are still alive, but if you cannot hear or see the other humans in your life, or they are not communicating with you, how can you truly know that they are alive at that moment?

You are the main character of your novel, simply because you only ever *fully* know things that affect you in some way. Once a car drives past you on the road… does it then cease to exist? You literally have to maintain faith in existence itself in order to believe that everything exists outside your plane of life.

How crazy is that?

Sorry it’s been so long! A certain person who lives across the ocean has been occupying my thoughts lately, and I find myself daydreaming when I’m not at work or actively talking to him🥰

Love to my loves!

MommaKate❤️

Nowadays, I often talk about living in the moment and loving what you have when you have it.

But for me? In all honestly? I can’t possibly live in the moment. Not ever.

Who I am as a person means

Every time I have a romantic notion, a thrilling adventure or such…

Well, what ends up happening is that I think of the future.

I think “now this is one of the moments that I’ll remember when I’m old”.

But it ends there.

I don’t know what I’m like when I’m old.

Am I widowed with 6 grown up kids finally granting me grandkids?

Am I married, with no children? We chose to live our lives centered around each other and then it was too late?

Am I married with no children because I couldn’t find my “soulmate” until I was 47 and barren?

Am I single?

Am I?

Am I living in my grandmother’s old house, because she left it to me, mortgage free, because she knew all the beautiful memories I’d had in that house as a child? Better total amount of memories in this house than my actual childhood home, right? Do I live there, going to church three times a week and being that lovable old grandma who brings candy for the kids and talks about when she was their age, or how she knew their grandparents, or great-grandparents, or even older?

I often cry a little harder at the last prospect.

I wouldn’t mind being that if I’d lost a husband and already had my kids and grandkids already. If I’d already lived the love I always dreamed I would have.

But in reality that option is purely, purely single. No love. Just flickers in my existence, made for me to look back and think upon, recalling my first love, or my second, or whatever.

I try to change how I am. I truly try to honestly and purely live in the moment.

But I just can’t. I will always think “oh yes. This is one of those times I’ll remember when I’m old.”

When You’re in Love..Really in Love

Does anyone truly know when they’re in love?

Perhaps after having experienced it one or two times, you might.

You have your first love that you lose because time rips you apart.

You have the next love, the one who you’re with for a decent period of time, but it’s just that time in both your lives when you’re changing too much for you two to make sense together anymore.

You’ll go through a number of randomly lengthed loves, who blip through your life and you barely remember.

Of course there’s your final love. The last person… the one who you end up with. A marriage, or something like that. Kids, a mortgage, the works.

At some point.. you’re also going to meet your soulmate. He could be any of the relationships you’ve had. Perhaps the timing was off, or one of you was still hung up on someone else, or a third factor prevented the love from blossoming.

But I absolutely promise that you’ll find love.

Maybe you’ll only ever have one.

And maybe you won’t realize how much love you’ve had until far after you part.

But you will certainly find love.

The Great Unknown

We all know what the truest great unknown is.

It’s the future. The future is the biggest, blackest hole to look us deep in our souls.. and for us to stare back so intently that we lose our focus and stumble.

Today I lost my job.

The thought of possibly losing it this year had crossed my mind. My employers’ jobs were in flux and I knew it was possible. But now that the moment as come, I’m completely crushed.

I’ve never lost a job like this before. I’ve always quit. I’ve always left. For a better prospect, or a better mindset.

Today, I’ve been crushed.

But I will rise. Out of the ashes, I will RISE LIKE A PHOENIX.

Okay yeah, that was cheesy. Sorry.

But hey. I’ve been applying to jobs all day. Tomorrow, next week, next year (hey, it’s only next month)… it’s gonna happen. I’m going to get some amazing job. It’s going to be a challenge and a new opportunity.

I’m scared as hell. I’m quaking in my boots.

But I’ll survive.

I’ll get to the top.

One step at a time.

And I might be wiping my tears on everything I walk by..

But at least I’ll survive.

Hey, I hope everyone is having a great December. Happy birthday to me, I lost my job😂

Thanks so much for reading. I love you for being here.

MommaKate❤️