Soulmates

Do you believe in soulmates?

Because I do.

Strange that I do, honestly. Considering that I’ve never dated anyone or really had a nice relationship with any guys that could ever lead anywhere.

If you’ve ever clicked with a person—whether a friend or a romantic interest, then you know what I mean when I say “soulmate”.

I don’t mean that this person is the one for you in every way and being with them is going to be heaven and nothing will ever go wrong and you will never fight.

I mean that they compliment you. Your flaws are their strengths, and vice versa. When you’re high, they’re low. When you get down, they’re right there to pick your spirits back up.

With a friend, it’s easy company, easy conversation, and easy friendship in general. It’s just… easy.

Not to say that it won’t be the same with the romantic soulmate. It will begin as the friendship does: flowing conversation, easy companionship. Whether the romantic “spark” is there from the beginning or not, it doesn’t matter. You’re comfortable together—in person or over the Internet. You could have absolutely nothing in common. They could be the opposite of your ideal.

But one day you’ll just…realize that they are the best person for the job of loving you, and you’re not going to find anyone else like them.

And maybe it won’t last. Maybe you fall in love and they leave you. Maybe you don’t get the closure you deserve. Maybe you’re just left missing them.

There are so many things that can ruin a relationship with a soulmate: distance, ego, age, religion, past relationships, even death.

But for all these obstacles, it’s up to individual decisions (with the exception of dying) to keep the relationship going. Preferences are just that—and they can be a major disturbance in any kind of relationship.

Why can’t people just look at the person’s soul instead of their appearance or height or age or race or religion?

Because we’ve been literally trained to do so our whole life.

A soulmate connection is about the soul! It’s in the fucking name! Don’t let these friendships or relationships pass you by.

Because maybe…maybe…

Maybe.

Maybe you’ll find your forever.

Thanks for reading, my lovelies. Until next time.

MommaKate❤️

Them’s High Thoughts

The idea of a Being that has been there forever and never had a beginning and will never have an end is so crazy to think.

But then think about your own life. You are the leading lady or man of your own movie.

The camera is always focused on you. The camera always follows the long nights, the pain, the failures; because it’s always with you. When people are not in your view or your peripheral, they literally cease to exist. Occasionally the plot gives you audio that shows you that the people around you are still alive, but if you cannot hear or see the other humans in your life, or they are not communicating with you, how can you truly know that they are alive at that moment?

You are the main character of your novel, simply because you only ever *fully* know things that affect you in some way. Once a car drives past you on the road… does it then cease to exist? You literally have to maintain faith in existence itself in order to believe that everything exists outside your plane of life.

How crazy is that?

Sorry it’s been so long! A certain person who lives across the ocean has been occupying my thoughts lately, and I find myself daydreaming when I’m not at work or actively talking to him🥰

Love to my loves!

MommaKate❤️

Nowadays, I often talk about living in the moment and loving what you have when you have it.

But for me? In all honestly? I can’t possibly live in the moment. Not ever.

Who I am as a person means

Every time I have a romantic notion, a thrilling adventure or such…

Well, what ends up happening is that I think of the future.

I think “now this is one of the moments that I’ll remember when I’m old”.

But it ends there.

I don’t know what I’m like when I’m old.

Am I widowed with 6 grown up kids finally granting me grandkids?

Am I married, with no children? We chose to live our lives centered around each other and then it was too late?

Am I married with no children because I couldn’t find my “soulmate” until I was 47 and barren?

Am I single?

Am I?

Am I living in my grandmother’s old house, because she left it to me, mortgage free, because she knew all the beautiful memories I’d had in that house as a child? Better total amount of memories in this house than my actual childhood home, right? Do I live there, going to church three times a week and being that lovable old grandma who brings candy for the kids and talks about when she was their age, or how she knew their grandparents, or great-grandparents, or even older?

I often cry a little harder at the last prospect.

I wouldn’t mind being that if I’d lost a husband and already had my kids and grandkids already. If I’d already lived the love I always dreamed I would have.

But in reality that option is purely, purely single. No love. Just flickers in my existence, made for me to look back and think upon, recalling my first love, or my second, or whatever.

I try to change how I am. I truly try to honestly and purely live in the moment.

But I just can’t. I will always think “oh yes. This is one of those times I’ll remember when I’m old.”

Nowadays, I often talk about living in the moment and loving what you have when you have it.

But for me? In all honestly? I can’t possibly live in the moment. Not ever.

Who I am as a person means

Every time I have a romantic notion, a thrilling adventure or such…

Well, what ends up happening is that I think of the future.

I think “now this is one of the moments that I’ll remember when I’m old”.

But it ends there.

I don’t know what I’m like when I’m old.

Am I widowed with 6 grown up kids finally granting me grandkids?

Am I married, with no children? We chose to live our lives centered around each other and then it was too late?

Am I married with no children because I couldn’t find my “soulmate” until I was 47 and barren?

Am I single?

Am I?

Am I living in my grandmother’s old house, because she left it to me, mortgage free, because she knew all the beautiful memories I’d had in that house as a child? Better total amount of memories in this house than my actual childhood home, right? Do I live there, going to church three times a week and being that lovable old grandma who brings candy for the kids and talks about when she was their age, or how she knew their grandparents, or great-grandparents, or even older?

I often cry a little harder at the last prospect.

I wouldn’t mind being that if I’d lost a husband and already had my kids and grandkids already. If I’d already lived the love I always dreamed I would have.

But in reality that option is purely, purely single. No love. Just flickers in my existence, made for me to look back and think upon, recalling my first love, or my second, or whatever.

I try to change how I am. I truly try to honestly and purely live in the moment.

But I just can’t. I will always think “oh yes. This is one of those times I’ll remember when I’m old.”

When You’re in Love..Really in Love

Does anyone truly know when they’re in love?

Perhaps after having experienced it one or two times, you might.

You have your first love that you lose because time rips you apart.

You have the next love, the one who you’re with for a decent period of time, but it’s just that time in both your lives when you’re changing too much for you two to make sense together anymore.

You’ll go through a number of randomly lengthed loves, who blip through your life and you barely remember.

Of course there’s your final love. The last person… the one who you end up with. A marriage, or something like that. Kids, a mortgage, the works.

At some point.. you’re also going to meet your soulmate. He could be any of the relationships you’ve had. Perhaps the timing was off, or one of you was still hung up on someone else, or a third factor prevented the love from blossoming.

But I absolutely promise that you’ll find love.

Maybe you’ll only ever have one.

And maybe you won’t realize how much love you’ve had until far after you part.

But you will certainly find love.

When You’re in Love..Really in Love

Does anyone truly know when they’re in love?

Perhaps after having experienced it one or two times, you might.

You have your first love that you lose because time rips you apart.

You have the next love, the one who you’re with for a decent period of time, but it’s just that time in both your lives when you’re changing too much for you two to make sense together anymore.

You’ll go through a number of randomly lengthed loves, who blip through your life and you barely remember.

Of course there’s your final love. The last person… the one who you end up with. A marriage, or something like that. Kids, a mortgage, the works.

At some point.. you’re also going to meet your soulmate. He could be any of the relationships you’ve had. Perhaps the timing was off, or one of you was still hung up on someone else, or a third factor prevented the love from blossoming.

But I absolutely promise that you’ll find love.

Maybe you’ll only ever have one.

And maybe you won’t realize how much love you’ve had until far after you part.

But you will certainly find love.

The Great Unknown

We all know what the truest great unknown is.

It’s the future. The future is the biggest, blackest hole to look us deep in our souls.. and for us to stare back so intently that we lose our focus and stumble.

Today I lost my job.

The thought of possibly losing it this year had crossed my mind. My employers’ jobs were in flux and I knew it was possible. But now that the moment as come, I’m completely crushed.

I’ve never lost a job like this before. I’ve always quit. I’ve always left. For a better prospect, or a better mindset.

Today, I’ve been crushed.

But I will rise. Out of the ashes, I will RISE LIKE A PHOENIX.

Okay yeah, that was cheesy. Sorry.

But hey. I’ve been applying to jobs all day. Tomorrow, next week, next year (hey, it’s only next month)… it’s gonna happen. I’m going to get some amazing job. It’s going to be a challenge and a new opportunity.

I’m scared as hell. I’m quaking in my boots.

But I’ll survive.

I’ll get to the top.

One step at a time.

And I might be wiping my tears on everything I walk by..

But at least I’ll survive.

Hey, I hope everyone is having a great December. Happy birthday to me, I lost my job😂

Thanks so much for reading. I love you for being here.

MommaKate❤️

Friends

For Matt, Tim, Andrew and Grace.

It’s funny. I was thinking today how many people I’m still truly connected with from college.

Social media doesn’t truly count. It gives you a highlighted glimpse into people’s lives. A reel of bests, worsts, but never the in-betweens.

You don’t know how they’re really doing.

You don’t know what they’re really up to.

I thought back to college today. My baby brother is heading off to start his freshman year, and that pushed me into throwbacks and memories and “good ol times”.

But we’re they really good ol times?

I look back at my own freshman year and I think about all the people I called “friend”. All my original ride or dies and the people I was convinced would one day be in my wedding. How many of them do I still talk to?

I can’t think of even one. Freshman year was five years ago. I’m a completely different person now.

There are many people who left the school after the first semester, or the first year. One or two that I lost contact with despite trying my hardest to keep up the friendship. I think of one person in particular. We called each other siblings. His name was Doug. I think about him sometimes. He pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. Stopped returning my texts after a while. I hope he’s doing okay, wherever he is. He was a good kid.

Sophomore year was different. I had good roommates, who I grew close with. One is married now, with a one-year-old and another on the way. Despite her living less than three hours from me, I don’t find the time to visit like I ought to. Another roommate from that year lives in my state. I haven’t seen her in years. The last roommate from that year and I still talk occasionally, but she just moved to Maryland for a new job, so I can’t imagine we’ll be seeing much of each other in the next few years. I know I scored an invite to her wedding, though. We were roommates my remaining years at college.

Sophomore year also had me getting more solidified into my major’s programs. I was a performance major, and soon my classes had pretty much all the same students popping up. We all grew pretty close, or so I thought. It seems that high school never ends, as Bowling for Soup complains about in their song. Although instead of it being in Hollywood, as they say, I suggest that some people simply never grow out of the cliques, resentment, and prejudice. I didn’t learn this until junior/senior year, however.

Now I myself am not perfect. Obviously. In college I was still a bit annoying, having not quite matured to the state I am now… ha.

There were certainly students who found me annoying, and at times I didn’t realize that. How could ANYONE not like ME? I’m a people person. Everyone likes me.

Junior year came around, I continued to grow, and change, and meet more people. I learned new lessons and was taught that people were not always as they seemed. This was disheartening.

By the time I reached my senior year, I was depressed. Very, very depressed. I stayed one semester in 2018, and I did not graduate college. I grew overwhelmed by the expectations, overwhelmed by the people I thought were my friends but would talk about me behind my back. Were we not adults? Were we not supposed to be more mature now than we used to be?

Instead of exploding at them and being angry, I instead withdrew. I stayed in my room often. Checked in sick and missed many classes. This was the most depressed I had ever been and ever have been to this day.

Withdrawing and not socializing is the most uncharacteristic thing I could have possibly done. A few people got worried. One “friend” came to see me in my room and informed me that everyone was talking about me. Perhaps she meant well, but I saw that as a sign that these people were certainly NOT the people I wanted to be associating myself with any longer. I was disappointed. I was heartbroken. I had considered these people to be my family.

I was completely broken. But there were some people who lifted me up. Specifically, there was a girl in the department with me who loved me unconditionally and had always distanced herself somehow from the animosity and unkind behavior of the speech department.

She was my “saving grace” during my last semester at school. She saved me from going even deeper into the depression. I hung out with her and her roommates and we had a grand time. I can’t tell you I was no longer depressed, but I can tell you that she saved me.

Two other friends also helped me: Tim and Matt. I can’t recall much specificity of their involvement in my life during the semester, but Matt and Tim are my go-to friends to talk about things going on in my life. I lean on them for advice, whatever the subject. They’re honest, supportive, and funny. Despite how far away they both live from me, I’m so glad that they chose to be my friends and choose to remain my friends through it all.

Lastly, we have Andrew. Andrew is my ex-boyfriend. We are perhaps one of the most congenial ex-couples you could ever meet—but that’s probably because we dated for a total of 28 days, and never even held hands. Andrew is now getting a masters in my state, and we’ve been able to hang out very often since he’s been here. It’s been an absolute joy to be able to continue to get to know him, to introduce him to my home friends, my family, and to have new adventures with him. It will never not be funny to joke “this is why we broke up” in front of others and have them panic. I love your passion for the medical field, for cats, and for video games. You feel like home to me because it feels like you’ve always been around. You are my oldest college friend who’s still here for me, and you know I appreciate the hell out of you.

And those are it. Four people. From three and a half years of being my bubbly, people-person self. Thinking I made so many friends that would last a lifetime.

Look on my Facebook or Instagram and you’ll see hundreds of people I am “friends” with since going to college.

But am I truly friends with them? Do we connect? Do we support each other?

Friendship goes both ways. Never forget that. You should never be doing all the work in a friendship. In that case, someone is using you. Get out of there. Run. Save yourself.

Depression leaves scars, and never truly goes away. It’s always in the back of your head and can pop up at any moment, ready to strike again.

So leave toxic people behind.

Hold onto the true people.

And never stop fighting to make the world a better place.

Thanks so much for reading. It truly means the world to me.

MommaKate❤️

Never Judge a __ by its __

Why not?

Having never seen this book before, no one has given you a review, and you are finding a new piece of literature.

How, if not on the cover, am I supposed to see if I will enjoy what I find inside?

The cover has the title. The author. Reviews from well-read individuals giving their opinions on the content, or a summary of what the book may contain.

Perhaps a little note on the author: something else they’ve written, where they went to school, or who they are as a person.

Without a cover, a book is simply a reflection of itself. You have to read it in full to know what you’ve found.

But with covers, we have an opportunity to weed out books that may be boring or hurtful to us.

So my thoughts on the quote “don’t judge a book by its cover”?

Complete bull.

You have eyes.

Judge everything with your eyes— scan for flaws and problems. Scan for love and kindness. Scan for hope and positivity. Scan for immaturity and neglectfulness.

The problem has never been with us judging a book by their cover, and then hating the book based on the cover alone.

It was the person who judged.

They never took the time to judge for the goodness.

Their eyes are flawed. Their lense is cracked. The glasses smudged.

Judge all you want.

But first. Clean your glasses.

We all need them for this.

Clear glasses, bright and shiny.

No rose-colored. No smudges.

Every morning you must wake up and remember to clean off your Glasses to clear any spot of dirt from the day before.

Or you’ll start to judge a book.. based on its cover.. and you hate it’s insides.

You’re not passive about them. You’re not positive that they could still be good.

That book’s cover doesn’t portray a book you want to read, but someone else might like it..

No. You hate that book. It’s terrible.

All because you forgot to clean your glasses….

Clean your damn glasses.

And judge all you want.

MommaKate❤️